Vacant Lot

God is going about his godly business as one among many Gods. His humans, however, are bickering with the neighbors about property lines. They are starting to talk trash about how great God is and how he’s supreme. At first, he’s flattered. He performs a couple easy miracles, like getting old women pregnant (not exactly a hardship for a male God). But then they push him hard to prove that he’s the end-all-be-all of deities.

Concerned, God looks around. He notices that Dionysus has taken off for the islands and left a power vacuum in Sodom and Gomorrah—a place God’s own people have been bitching about. So he figures he can make an easy stand there.

At first, God thinks he’ll just go impress them with his Godliness. But when he gets there they just laugh. The fact is they are far more sexually experienced than he is, and unimpressed with pregnant women. So he goes away to contemplate a long-term conversion strategy. His followers, however, have no patience and pressure him for a large scale display of power. Eventually God caves; he announces that he will destroy Sodom and Gomorrah.

At first, people argue, which is a great relief to God who doesn’t want to do it anyway. God is pleased when they ask if he’ll spare the city if they find 50 good men; he figures he’s off the hook. As far as he can tell, there are thousands of good people there. But he has to put up some kind of a front, so he pushes back. Eventually, he gets them to lower the number, then sends them in to point out some good folks. They come back empty handed. And God wonders how he drew the short straw in followers.

God then sends in his angels. Surely they can find someone. As soon as they arrive, Lot, the kid from the sheep incident, runs out to greet them. God wonders why it never before occurred to him to miss Lot. He should have guessed he was in party-town. God hopes the angels will stay away from that one. But no, they go home with him. God hopes Lot has changed.

That evening, God sees a bunch of people heading to Lot’s house for a party. And he gets excited. Maybe Lot has changed; now he has friends! But when they reach the door at the appointed time, Lot sneaks out and whispers that they should leave because he has guests. His friends think he’s joking; of course he has guests—it’s a party. They shove at the door.

God thinks this is his golden opportunity to convert people. They are joyfully gathered. Surely Lot will tell them how great he is. So he shows up in his brilliant, godly glory. Everyone freaks out—people begin to scream. Lot slams the door shut. Startled, God ducks behind a tree.

The party folks calm down and start to pressure Lot, asking him to at least send his new friends out to meet them—maybe have a beer. But he shoves his tween-aged but as-yet-unnamed kids out the door instead yelling “take my daughters. They have never known a man.” This, God thinks, is the Lot I remember.

Lot’s friends, including his daughters’ fiancés, leave in deep disgust. The angels, however, are now convinced that Sodom and Gomorrah truly are corrupt. They lean hard on God to destroy the area in a big show. They want Lot to witness and escape so he can report the display of power to others. God sighs deeply. ‘Well,’ he thinks, ‘I really could use more followers; this might help my image. And Lot is one of my people, so I can save him.’

God tells Lot to head for the hills. Lot refuses. ‘WTF,’ God thinks, ‘I just agreed to save you.’ But Lot insists he wants to go live in Zoar. “Whatever,” God says. “Just don’t look back,” he adds, realizing that he has no stomach for actual killing and will have to sneak the unfortunate residents out during the night.

Lot turns and runs for the hills rather than Zoar, as God thinks ‘what the hell is wrong with that man.’ Lot’s wife, however, whose name Lot apparently has never bothered to learn, turns around in front of her husband on the road.    ‘Shit,’ God responds, as he munches on a fist full of remarkably bland peanuts, ‘something memorable—quick!.’ Thinking fast, God turns her into salt.

Lot and his girls make it up the hill and set up camp. Once there, Lot spends several days getting wasted and impregnating his children then makes up a story to tell the neighbors in Zoar. And God realizes that some people never change, as he wanders off to warn the local sheep.